I woke up today

My oldest sister was married today with her boyfriend after dating for 13 years. I talked to  her friends and it made me realize how much of my life I’m wasting.  My youth has been wasted on garbage that don’t account for much in the future. 

Sometimes, I really wish that I have a circle of long term friends.  By this, I mean friends that will be there for me 5-10 years from now after we graduate and go to different work places.  Friends that will be true to me on my good and bad days.  Friends that I can depend on.  Friends that try their best to help you even when you don’t ask for help and  then expect nothing in return.  Friends that can be fun to be around with sober or drunk.  Friends that won’t backstab you.  I love the friends I have now, but I don’t see myself staying close with almost all of them once school ends. 

Sometimes I wish I never immigrated.  I enjoy the company of “fobs”.  I feel more natural speaking chinese even though my chinese sucks. I feel like I’m not “fob” enough to be a “fob” but too “fob” to be with the abc’s.  It’s hard to find a balance.  I would rather have been born in American or Hong Kong, no immigration.

I asked myself the question countless times today when I saw the joy on my sister’s face, what do I see myself having in 10 years such as having a family or a close circle of friends.  Quite frankly,  I’m not certain of anything in my life. And it’s not how I want my life to be.

I woke up today from 20 years of hiding behind a fake belief of “screw it, let life take its path.” image